


I Want You With Me, Always

by mssrj_335



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Feeeelings, Finally, Finn is Bad at Feelings, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Missed Opportunities, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Poe Dameron is Bad at Feelings, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Sharing a Bed, Sharing a Room, Trope bait, Unresolved Romantic Tension, past character injury, sap, that eventually gets resolved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:27:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23661556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mssrj_335/pseuds/mssrj_335
Summary: Six months ago, Finn left on a mission and Poe stayed behind. On his return, Finn hopes they can start what they'd both wanted. Only, Poe's convinced he was wrong and somehow they have to put the pieces back together.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 36
Kudos: 165





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> not great at summaries
> 
> second part will be posted shortly

\--1--

“Finn? You there?”

The holo crackles to life and a pleasant, familiar warmth blooms in Finn’s chest. Damn, the days have felt so empty without that face.

“Hey General, how’re things on the home front?”

Poe shakes his head over the holo and rubs a hand over some shadow on his jaw that looks like it was from five o’clock a few days ago. Heavy bags show up even in the holo, glowing dark blue under Poe’s eyes.

“Stars, you look exhausted. What’s going on?”

“Sorry I haven't been able to call, if you only knew the amount of bullshit I’ve heard in the last couple weeks... There’s gonna be a meeting soon,” he says. “Republic, warlords from Outer territories, a bunch are all gonna meet on Chandrila to see about finally fixing this mess.”

Finn swallows and leans closer to the holo deck. “You said they've been talking around that for months. They’re actually going to go through with it?”

“The Resistance has been invited,” Poe sighs, fidgeting, running a hand through his curls. “Must be pretty serious.”

Poe finally meets his eyes. Aside from nervousness, he sees something else there. Even in the projection, Finn can see it tight in his face and that wasn’t there the last time he’d called.

“You gonna go?”

Poe nods. He sits back and sighs again. “Don’t have much of a choice,” he mutters. “Wouldn’t look good if I skipped out. Gonna have to have a briefing, get everyone up to speed.”

“I’ll come with you.” Finn says it so fast he’s almost surprised at himself and Poe looks halfway between surprised and terrified.

But it’s really been a while. After Exegol, he’d stuck around for months, helping in every way he could and had intended to stick around longer than that. Then, Jannah had contact from a ‘trooper which sparked a cascade of events he couldn’t ignore. Her informant identified pockets of defected troopers, some wanting to join the cause and rebuild, some who needed help themselves. He knew he had to do something, so he’d left. It’s been six months, hundreds of ex-stormtroopers like himself found. He could keep going but this…feels different.

“Finn, you can’t do that. What about the mission? I thought that was priority right now.”

Something in Poe’s voice cuts him deep and he swallows hard. This mission _is_ important but each time Finn calls he aches a little more. Quite suddenly, seeing Poe's face makes priorities change. And it's easier, when he makes the decision. He can't forget what happened at his departure, it's been playing in his dreams more often than he'd like to admit. That, and the way Poe looks, it seems like a sign.

Yeah, it’s time.

“You’ve been doing this on your own long enough,” he says. “Jannah has help now, they can keep looking for more troopers. But her informant ran dry about a month ago so I doubt they’ll find more right now. This was only supposed to be temporary, anyway.”

“You should keep looking. This is just a diplomatic trip, I’m sure it’ll be fine—”

He’s a little tentative. A small part of him worries. Maybe Poe doesn’t want him to come back?

“I’d like to come home.” Poe’s eyes widen a little. “I promised I would, and I don’t want you to go alone.”

“Ok, yeah.” Poe sounds a little breathless. "Of course, buddy." Finn feels a familiar little tingle creep up his spine. There’s no question about it. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there.”

They chat for a few minutes more before Poe’s called away and the holo ends. That’s been happening more and more and Finn is suddenly very glad he’s decided what he has. Part of him is growing ecstatic at the thought of going home. The other is terrified. He slides away from the holo deck, in a little bit of a fuzzy glow, and finds Jannah out in the village they’re posted at. There’s a group gathering for afternoon drills and he waits patiently until they’re finished. Jannah catches his eye and dusts off her hands, motioning him over with a toss of her head.

“You look like you’re going to float away,” she scoffs, falling into step beside him. “Good news?”

They fall into a familiar path around the village and Finn pushes out a breath. Might as well get out with it.

“I need to go back.”

Jannah hums but doesn’t say anything.

“There’s a huge meeting goin’ down, they want the Resistance represented. Poe was planning to go himself…”

“You want to go with him.”

Finn’s cheeks burn and he hates that he’s so transparent. No sense in denying it.

“Yeah,” he says. “I do.”

He chances a glance at her and finds she’s smiling, which loosens a tension he’d been holding in his chest.

“Hey. It’ll be ok here. He’ll be happy to see you, I promise.” Jannah squeezes his arm, allaying the fear he’s holding. “Go get packed up. I’ll tell Sven to get a ship ready.”

He smiles at her, spirits a little lighter. After that, it’s easy.

Time to go home.

\--2--

In a few days, Finn arrives on the bustling tarmac. Poe’s already shaking. A small transport drops him and leaves, so he figures Jannah didn’t come with. Even though Poe’s seen him over holo, it wasn’t full evidence of how much Finn's changed. There's a cord around his neck, dangling a faint blue crystal on his chest. He’s filled out some more and there’s a surety in the way he carries himself, like he’s come all into his own. A pack is slung over his shoulder and it takes Poe a moment to realize the jacket— _his jacket_ —is back on Finn’s shoulders. He’s not sure what to make of it but he sucks in a breath and starts striding for him. Finn’s searching, doesn’t see him right off, so when he finally finds Poe’s eyes the smile that cracks his face is blinding.

Poe can’t help himself, he jogs the last few steps and crashes into Finn hard enough to make him lose his pack. He feels Finn’s arms curve around him, a little tighter than he remembers. Everything except his heart says _don’t, don’t_ as he curls his fingers into Finn’s back and buries his face in Finn’s neck. Being this close is a bad idea. Maybe he’s clinging a bit longer than he would’ve six months ago but Finn doesn’t seem to mind so he lets himself have just a few more seconds.

“It’s good to see you, buddy,” he says as evenly as he can, muffled in Finn’s neck.

Finn huffs a laugh and squeezes him tight before he pulls away.

“It’s good to be back.”

Suddenly he’s glad of the people jostling around him. Seeing Finn in person is stirring something hot in his chest that would’ve been so much harder to ignore one on one. Poe lets his hands drop to his sides as he surveys Finn a little closer. His smile is just as wide but Poe can see the skin pulling tighter at a scar at his temple and one on his forehead. Unconsciously, his fingers flutter over the spots. But surprise, Finn doesn’t flinch away.

“I don’t remember that story,” he says, hoping that the tremor in his voice isn’t apparent.

Finn cracks an embarrassed grin that has Poe shaking down to his boots. “I…didn’t want to worry you.”

Poe itches to hug him again, ask about the scars and the crystal and the jacket, but he restrains himself. Mostly. His hand doesn’t quite seem to be with the program and it trails down Finn’s arm. Finn wets his lips but holds his stare and there’s a tense moment where Poe’s strung too tight to speak. He clears his throat and it already feels like he’s falling into a black hole.

Oh, not good. Damn it, why is it so much harder to remember that Finn doesn’t want the same thing when he’s standing so close?

“C’mon buddy,” he manages. “We can drop your stuff and get something to eat before the meeting.”

They make it as far as Finn’s old quarters before word gets around the base that he’s back. Then they’re swamped with people. BB-8 is the first to find them, chirping and shrieking happily around Finn’s knees. Rose, Jess, and Karé show next, loud in their exuberance, some of the ex-stormtroopers Finn had sent show and suddenly lunch isn’t the quiet affair Poe hoped, definitely more of a raucous welcome home party. He can tell Finn’s sad Rey isn’t there, but he’s grinning so wide Poe can’t be upset. Maybe it was selfish of him not to share that Finn was coming back but it’s turned into a nice surprise. And it feels worth it, to have that first smile all to himself.

By the time the meeting starts, it seems like everyone has gotten the excitement out of their systems. A more somber tone sinks into the atmosphere as half the lunch party files into the briefing room. The news he has is good but something's quieting them and Poe knows exactly what it is.

It’s been almost a year since Exegol, the closing on all the violence and heartache and strife. Or that’s what he’d hoped it would’ve been, in his heart of hearts. Most of that is still on-going, as much as he hates to admit it. The date has been creeping up on him like a bad case of the flu, seeping into his frenetic schedule, sapping his strength and spinning his brain late into the night. Names and faces of so many lost like to whisper to him in his dreams, so to say he’s not been sleeping well would be an understatement.

Now Finn’s back and Poe’s emotions are all over the place; he can’t keep up. As bad as he feels, everyone around him will be grieving the day and he won’t even be there. But Finn’s back at his side, looking at him with a soft smile, and it stirs that hot feeling again. At least something is starting to feel right again.

Better get started, before he has time to think about it too much.

Poe clears this throat. “You might be wondering why the meeting, why Finn’s back, and I gotta tell you, they kind of go together.”

A few faces smile at him.

“As some of you know, we’ve been working with Republic contacts, reps from the Free Worlds and some new ones from the Outer Rim, and the politicians think it’s time to get started on something. Now, I don’t know what they were waiting for, but negotiations for a new government body are starting in a few days. Guess they wanted to make a show about it on the day the First Order fell.”

There’s a few murmurs about that.

“The Resistance was invited since we did, you know, kind of help save the galaxy. I didn’t figure it would be nice of me to volunteer one of you, so I’m gonna go.”

“And that has nothing to do with the fact that you’re the general, right?” Karé pipes up with a snicker. “It’s just because you’re a stand-up guy.”

There are a few other titters and Poe rolls his eyes with a little smile. He lets the group chatter softly for a second while he gathers his thoughts.

Stars, this is hard.

“Yeah, I’m the general. So I guess I gotta do it,” he continues, softer this time. Less bravado. He tries to remember what Leia said about being a leader. It hurts to remember her, especially now.

“You all know I’m not Leia. I’m not the politician she was, I don’t have half the sway she did. But…she fought for this. For the end of the war and the start of something new. We all fought for this. And we’re gonna honor that and all the friends we lost. I’m telling you this because you gotta keep this operation running, even if the talks go south. Each one of you has worked to make this galaxy a better place, you’re the heart and soul of what we stand for.”

All eyes are on him. He takes a deep breath.

“So, I’m gonna go out there and make sure what we stand for is heard.” He claps a hand on Finn’s back. “And my co-general is gonna help me do that. We’re leaving tomorrow, so I’m trusting you knotheads not to kill each other while we’re gone. Dismissed.”

As he hopes, the somber mood lifts a bit. He can see Rose is already making lists in her head, people are starting to shift, ready to get back to work. He glances back at Finn and sees that same soft smile. Quietly, just to him, Finn says, “Nice speech, General,” and smirks.

Damn him, it’s like nothing ever changed and he’s not sure if he’s thankful or regretful for it. Poe lets his hand slide down Finn’s back before the heaviness sets on him again. He’s tired, he just wants to spend the rest of the day with Finn even though that’s a _bad_ idea, but duty calls. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see three or four officers making their way to him. BB-8 nudges his knees in that direction.

“Yeah, ok buddy, I know. I gotta get assignments set,” he murmurs to Finn, patting BB-8's head. “You should probably go get settled, catch up. See you at dinner?”

Finn only nods and Poe steps away, steeling himself again.

When he looks back, Finn is still watching him go.

\--3--

Finn watches until Poe is totally out the door. Honestly, it’s hard to look away. Seeing him in person is…heady, to say the least.

Finn lingers.

What he really wants to dig into is the heaviness hanging on Poe. He hadn’t felt it over their holo calls, but he’d seen traces of it. In person, it sloughs off Poe's shoulders in waves and Finn’s drowning in it. They finally had some good news but Poe’s running himself ragged and it makes Finn’s guilt at leaving grow. His success with the troopers had been a double-edged sword. He’s been able to help fill Resistance ranks, secure resources they might need through this network he’s built. But every success took him farther and farther away. There’s so much he wants to say, it’s just so hard to get the words. In his heart, the only thing he wants right now is to take care of Poe, especially after seeing how tired he really is.

But something changed between them after he left, he’s not sure how to navigate that now. So he needs someone to fill him in. He spies Pava and Kun sitting side by side. Kun has a foot propped up on a chair beside her, arms crossed, and lines crease Pava’s forehead so hard it looks like she might combust. He needs a way to lift Poe’s spirits, and to get back to how they used to be.

Who better to ask than the crew that flew with him longest, knew him best?

This isn’t the first time he’s talked with them. Far from it, really. But that doesn’t mean he’s not still nervous about it.

Karé Kun’s the first to address him.

“‘Bout time you showed up.”

He scoffs and pulls up a seat next to them. “Yeah, yeah, I don’t see you complaining about all the new recruits you get to train.”

Kun grins and pokes him with her boot. “You haven’t been here long enough to hear me complain.”

She sits forward and Pava rolls her eyes. “It’s good to have you back, Finn,” Pava says, reaching out to smack Karé lightly. “We’re glad to see you.”

Finn grins back, but it doesn’t last long. He threads his fingers together, sitting forward, forearms on his knees. He figures he’ll get right to it. 

“Poe’s exhausted, I didn’t know it was this bad. You guys know anything about that?”

The women exchange a look and Pava raises an eyebrow at him.

“It’s probably a lot of things,” she says. “We all support him but you know how Poe gets sometimes.”

“Takes on more than he should,” Finn nods. “Yeah, I get that, but this seems different. Something really seems to be weighing on him.”

Karé snorts. “Finn, if anyone knows that, it’s going to be you. He talks to you about that kind of stuff more than any of us. And you haven’t even been here.”

That stings a bit but he pushes on. “Look, I’m just gonna come out and say it here. You two know Poe better than anyone else. I want to do something for him, something…nice, you know? Help him feel better.”

Which is a weird way of saying he wants to wrap around Poe and never let him go. Is he still scared of what that might mean? Absolutely. Did being gone make him realize exactly what he was feeling? Yes.

His cheeks start to get hot as Pava and Kun stare at him. It makes him uncomfortable enough that a nervous, “What?” slips out of his mouth.

“I have words for you on that, but I’m not at liberty to share. You gotta get your own shit sorted first.” Kun crosses her arms again and clamps her jaw shut.

“What I think Karé means,” Pava says gently, “is tread carefully. You’re right, Poe’s out of juice. There’s a lot weighing on him, now especially—”

“Which you’re no small part of,” Karé cuts in. Finn drops his eyes and stares at the floor, guilt rising again.

“—a lot from the war, its reminder hanging over his head, the meeting.” Jess cuts Kun a glare. “There’s a lot to tell him that he’s failed. We can’t tell you what to do or not do, but the best thing would be to remind him of all the good he’s done.”

Kun snorts again, some of her quick irritation faded. “Sometimes he can’t see the forest for the tree he’s banging his head against, you know?”

“You’ve done a good thing, Finn,” Pava continues, “don’t get me wrong there. What you’ve done for the troopers and the Resistance is great and we appreciate it more than you know. No one faults you for doing what you did. But be careful with him. He’s fragile around you. Take care of him on this trip.”

Pava stands up, no room for argument or comment, and Kun stands with her. She waits until Pava’s gotten a few steps before she leans in and mutters, “Best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

Then she saunters out, throwing a lazy wave over her head.

“And maybe an apology!”

Her statement rattles in his head and he sighs. But he trusts them both to be forthcoming and well, dinner is a start anyway.

Maybe there’s enough time to raid the kitchen.

\--4--

Poe rubs his forehead and decides to put it down on his desk instead. _There, that feels better._ Requisition orders and other random pieces of nonsense stick to his face and flutter as he sighs. Stars, where did the day go?

He’d seen snatches of everyone but prepping to leave for an extended stay is a lot of work. Much more than he anticipated. Thankfully, Rose is a wizard with a list and pretty much ready to take the reins for now. He lets himself sit a minute, trying to gather the gumption to go to dinner like he said he would instead of eating at his desk or skipping it again. He’s just about got the oomph when he glances at the clock and realizes it’s way past time for dinner now. He groans, smacks his head against the desk a little, closes his eyes.

He hears a knock at the door and, to his surprise, it’s Finn. He knows everyone’s knock by now and it’s gotta be him. He doesn’t unstick himself from his desk, he just calls, “It’s open!” and doesn’t bother moving.

The door hisses open and a delicious, spicy smell wafts into the room.

“Poe, what are you doing?” 

Poe tilts his head and peeks up at Finn. He’s holding two bowls and two bottles, perplexed, what looks like a fond smile playing at his lips.

“This is how we do paperwork now,” Poe grumbles, turning back to the desk. “My face is the official Resistance stamp.”

Finn chuckles and crosses the room, placing the dish next to him gently. “Didn’t old, old royalty used to do that? Put their faces on stamps?”

Poe huffs, which only serves to waft the delicious smell under his nose. “No royalty here pal, unless you count these papers that are a royal pain my ass.”

Finn laughs and he peels himself off his desk at last to look at the bowl and at Finn.

“That doesn’t smell like regulation grub,” he murmurs, bringing it under his nose. “Smells like…”

He almost can’t put his finger on it but a synapse clicks and suddenly he’s salivating.

“Finn, is that my dad’s recipe?”

Finn pops the tops on the bottles of beer with a smile. “You sound so surprised.”

Poe stirs the vegetables and meat with his fork, taking the tiniest taste of the thick reddish sauce. Hot spice and heady, smoky flavor bloom on his tongue and he groans. “I didn’t know we had this stuff here.”

“You told me this was your favorite, I thought maybe you could use it.”

It’s a simple statement, a simple gesture, but it makes Poe’s heart ache. He glances at Finn to find him watching carefully, waiting. Poe stirs the bowl again and when he takes a bite, Finn seems satisfied. He passes a beer over and takes a bite himself.

“Not too bad, I think. You’re just lucky the kitchen had most of what I needed. It’s missing a vegetable or two but not bad.”

“It’s better than not bad,” he says, shoving another bite in his mouth. It’s hot and filling in a way he didn’t know he needed and it makes him smile so hard it hurts. “Thank you.”

“Glad you like it.”

Finn’s voice is soft and he’s not meeting Poe’s eyes just yet, like he’s embarrassed. Poe’s stomach wobbles and it’s definitely not because of the food. A quiet moment stretches but some of the comfortable nature it might’ve held before has evaporated. He doesn’t know what to say so he keeps eating, hoping that an answer to the tension in the air is at the bottom of his bowl.

“So, how are you?” Finn asks as he leans forward. “Really?”

Poe takes a pull on his bottle to save himself an answer. He’s not good. Really. But he can’t tell Finn that, he just got back. As much as he supports what Finn’s been trying to do, a traitorous part of him is loathe to say anything that might drive him away. He’s trying so hard to keep it together so people—Finn especially—don’t worry, he can’t let it drop now. Even if he wants to.

“I’m fine.”

“I think you’re good at pretending you are,” Finn says, matter-of-fact, proving that he’s perceptive in more than just war.

Too bad that didn't extend where Poe needed it. He sighs, debates whether or not to say what’s on the tip of his tongue. Old hurt is still lurking there, freezing him with the same fear that keeps him quiet. Maybe just part of it…a sliver of truth. Maybe Finn won’t see through it to the iceberg underneath.

“I have to be fine.” Truth. “If I’m not fine, who’s gonna do all this?” Also truth. “It’s just me, you know.”

Lie. A fantastic lie that makes something like hurt flash in Finn’s dark eyes. He sets his empty bowl on the desk, reaching his hand into the space between them.Poe’s breath catches in his throat. Finn’s hand is so close, it would be so easy to take it, feel some semblance of the easy, grounding contact they used to have. But that’s not how this is. Despite his heart saying it is and Finn looking like he’d want nothing more, Poe’s projecting. He’s gotta be. A memory springs to him, completely unwanted but a staid reminder of what is and what isn’t.

_Finn’s standing on the tarmac, the same pack over his shoulder. Jannah’s waiting in the transport. Poe’s hands clench at his side until he can’t stand it anymore. Finn’s saying something about plans to call, plans to send supplies. Poe steps closer and grips his arms, more desperate than he would ever admit. He’s screaming on the inside, something slips out his mouth and he’s ashamed. Poe drops his hands, scared, stumbling. Finn looks overwhelmed, says nothing more than the truth but it burns. Finn leaves, and Poe’s heart breaks._

“It’s not supposed to be just you,” Finn murmurs.

“It didn’t used to be.” Maybe a little more sorrow creeps into his voice than he’d like. “But that’s just how the cards fell, buddy.”

Poe pushes all that down as hard, as far as he can. He picks his bowl back up and takes a bite and Finn pulls his hand back.

And that’s that.

Finn looks pensive, sipping at his beer. Poe fills the silence with inane chatter about the base, because that’s what he does. He can’t stand this kind of silence and he can do the ‘friends’ thing. He can. They are still friends, above all else. So he tells story after story. Some to catch Finn up, some to make him laugh because despite it all Poe still loves to hear Finn laugh. After a while, the air doesn’t feel so tight and when Finn rises and starts gathering the bowls, Poe’s almost blocked out the conversation they almost had.

They walk together toward his quarters, nearly shoulder to shoulder, until Finn breaks off for the kitchen. He’s been quiet, definitely quieter than Poe, so he’s surprised when Finn stops him with a gentle hand. A warm feeling spreads across his skin at the point of contact and he has to hold in a shiver.

“You know,” Finn starts, staring at the spot where his fingers lay on Poe’s bare skin, “I don’t know if I ever said thank you.”

Poe frowns. “What does that mean? You thank me.”

“No, I mean, thank you for…for supporting me. On the mission. In everything.” Finn’s grip tightens on his arm just slightly and Poe thinks for a delirious second he feels Finn’s thumb stroking back and forth. “I know this hasn’t been easy for you.”

He sounds frustrated, but Poe isn’t sure why. He opens his mouth to argue but Finn shakes his head and finally meets his eyes.

“I’m sorry I left you in this alone.”

Poe feels like the air’s been knocked out of him. Of all the things he expected, he didn’t think he’d get that.

“I don’t know if I can make it up to you, but I’d like to try.”

He can’t do anything more than gape, at least for a second. He blinks, shakes his head, breathes a soft, “You don’t have to do that.”

Finn offers him a small smile. Time halts, suspended, and Poe can't breathe.

“Yeah, I think I do.”

Finn’s hand lingers, eyebrows raised, he seems to be waiting for something. But whatever it is doesn’t come. Poe’s not sure what it would’ve been anyway. He’s paralyzed, struck immobile by fear and temptation.

Finally, Finn sighs, squeezes Poe’s arm with a note of finality. “Good night, Poe. Get some rest.”

Poe scrambles for his composure, every last nerve on fire. “Yeah, uh thanks, buddy, you too,” is all he can manage before he’s beating a hasty retreat.

He doesn’t look over his shoulder but he can feel Finn watching him leave, just like before. His feet carry him back to his bunk as fast as he dares. He’s not running—he’s not—but he needs to be anywhere but here. Stars, this trip is looking like it’s going to be a mess.

He sighs, rubs his head again as he finally makes it to his quarters. BB-8 whistles curiously from his charging station as the door hisses open.

“Yeah, didn’t go great.”

BB-8 chirps again, this time a little derogatory, and Poe shakes his head.

“C’mon, buddy, now’s not the time for insults. It’s too late.”

His droid groans one more time, the equivalent of rolling his eyes, but decides to make the smart choice and powers down for the night. 

This is too much right now and he’s too tired. With the anniversary of Exegol looming, the guilt of death—of all those people, his friends, Snap, Leia—pressing him down and threatening to crush him, he can already feel cracks in the walls he’s built up, crumbling around him. There’s no way he’s going to be able to keep it together if Finn keeps looking at him like that, if he keeps touching him like that. He doesn’t know what Finn’s playing at but Poe’s going to have to get a handle on this. And soon.

With a groan, he unlaces his boots and falls into bed, too exhausted to do more than that.

\--5--

Finn watches Poe’s quickly retreating back for the second time and feels his stomach drop.

Maybe he’s reading this all wrong, he’s just not sure. The feelings he’s getting from Poe are all over the place, consistently tinged with a sheen of bone-deep exhaustion. He leaves the dishes at the kitchen, heads back to his own bunk.

He drops into his room, uncomfortable with how stale it smells, and his mind is still spinning. He thought Poe wanted…what he’s trying to offer. They’ve both been scared of whatever this is for too long and when he finally gets with the program, all he can feel is Poe pulling back.

Maybe it's too late.

The thought makes him sick. There’s only one person he wants to talk to about this and right now she’s halfway across the galaxy. Still…wouldn’t hurt to try. He digs in his pack for his holoprojector and settles at the desk taking up half of the room. There’s a hesitation as the holo tries to connect, a hiss of static and noise, but it miraculously establishes a link.

“Finn?”

“Hey Rey.”

Her face wibbles into view, hair askew and eyes tired. It's hazy as all hell, but he couldn’t be happier to hear her.

“Finn, what time is it there?”

“Not as late as it is there,” he laughs a little helplessly. “Sorry to call so late, you wanna go back to sleep?”

“No, no, what’s going on?” Rey scrubs her face and sits up. “You ok?”

Finn sighs, not even sure where to start. “No, not really.”

Rey perks up a little, her eyes brighter and checking him over through the holo even though the reception is shit and the image is grainy.

“I’m not hurt, it’s alright.”

Satisfied, she relaxes a bit and flaps her blanket around her shoulders with a flourish. “Ok, not dying. So what’s going on?”

Finn sighs again and pulls a hand down his face. “I came back to base.”

“What? I thought you said your mission would take at least another three months?”

Finn winces, tries to pass it off as a shrug. “There’s a big thing, meeting of the galaxy, blah blah blah, and I didn’t want Poe to go alone so I came back.”

Rey blinks and Finn can feel a smidgeon of judgement. “And that’s it? That’s why you called me at this hour?”

And just like that she’s called him on his bullshit. “C’mon Rey, you gotta know what this is about. I…”

Stars, why is this so hard to talk about?

Rey only raises an eyebrow, waiting for him to get it out, which is exactly why he called her. Damn it. He grits his teeth.

“Gimme some credit here, I’m trying.” He pulls his hand down his face again and stares off into a spot on the wall. Maybe it’ll be easier if he’s not looking at her. “I mean, I’m really trying. With Poe. Rey, something’s changed, and he’s so tired, he needs someone and I thought…”

“Maybe it could be you?”

“I just…want him. With me.”

Rey snorts. “Yeah, what else is new?”

He swallows thickly. “I want to make it up to him, you know? I want him to know that…you know, I’m here for him.”

“So what’d you do? Did you tell him that?”

“I made him dinner.”

“You made him dinner. But you didn’t say anything?!”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” Finn admits, feeling very small.

It _had_ seemed like a good idea, a good way to show Poe what he was so afraid to say. But it apparently backfired. He hadn’t been able to get his feelings across in any meaningful way. In fact, Poe seemed downright terrified.

“I apologized too, for leaving. He’s tiptoeing around me like I’m gonna dress him down if he says one revealing thing. I want to try at this but he won’t even get close to the conversation.”

“What conversation? Finn, you are spectacularly _bad_ at having this kind of conversation. You _have_ to work on your words. It’s amazing you can muddle through it with me and I’m not even the one you’re trying to talk to.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Considering what happened the last time Poe said something revealing, I don’t blame him for acting like he is. Finn, don’t be stupid, you know that you going on that mission without him hurt him.”

“I know…”

Oh, there’s the thing he’s been avoiding. Finn casts his eyes down, a sick feeling rising in his stomach. He remembers the look on Poe’s face. It’s the thing that follows him daily, as much as he tries to ignore it, pops into his head when he least expects it: Poe’s hurt, there and gone in a flash. In his heart, Finn knows it but he hasn't admitted it out loud until now. 

“Yes, he supports you,” Rey continues, “of course he does. He’s your friend, he thinks the world of you, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. He wanted to come, and even if that was a stupid idea on his part, you shutting him down like you did probably made him think he got it all wrong! Because you didn’t _use your words_!”

He wouldn’t admit it to anyone but himself but Poe scared him. Not like physically scared him, but the idea, the feeling and what they could be, that did. So he didn’t say anything. That didn’t mean he didn’t want it though. He’s just utterly hamstrung by his recurring, _frustrating_ inability to deal with his feelings. He thought there might’ve been something. Until there wasn’t. And it was really his fault, wasn’t it?

“So what am I supposed to do?”

Rey sighs and shrugs. “You’re going to have to work at it. Ok, you made him dinner. But you’re really going to have to show him you’re here to stay this time.”

“I can’t promise that. I can’t promise I won’t ever have to leave.”

Rey groans, shaking her head. “Not _literally_. Stars, I love you, but you can be dense.”

He blinks and sits back. 

“You didn’t call me to give you a talking to but that’s certainly what you need. You’re perceptive, I know you are. But you need to train that on Poe and find out what he wants. You can’t just go straight into it, you have to try to see things from his perspective. Ease into it. Finn, I know how you feel about it. But does he?” Rey sighs softly. "Do you want this to work?"

"Yes," Finn breathes. "More than anything."

It's the truth. And it scares him how bad he wants it.

"Then you're going to have to be the brave one."

Damn it all, he hates how right she is. “How’d you get to be so wise? You find some sagely master or somethin’?”

“Don’t need a sage to know how to navigate you two,” Rey snorts. “I’m serious, though. Work at his pace.”

Finn clenches his jaw and Rey’s eyes narrow.

“I know that’s hard and that you want to do things for him because that's what you _do_ , but take it easy, ok? He needs your support, more than anything.”

Finn sighs again but he nods. She’s right. She’s always right. It probably helps that she talks to him and to Poe but she’s always been careful to toe the line in terms of meddling. She knows the limit, now he just needs to find it himself. Unfortunately, he also knows where his bravery lies. Can he run headlong into a star destroyer to save a friend? Yes. Can he fight with Poe in some of the most dangerous places in the galaxy? Absolutely. 

But can he say what he should've said six months ago, or even a year ago before rebuilding pulled them apart? Can he fix this, make it enough?

He's not sure. He only knows he has to try.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got longer than i expected so i hope you're still down for the ride  
> hang on kids it gets a bit sappy and they do a LOT of talking for this being a story about how bad they are at talking but i tried to keep in character here

\--6--

In the morning, Poe finds the mess hall nearly empty. He’s not surprised; he only got up this early because A) he couldn’t sleep anyway and B) he’s nervous as all hell. Might be connected, he's too groggy to care. He’s packed, ready to go right after breakfast, and more than a little nervous about that, too. Still, he putters around the hall, gathers together a light meal. Only, when he sits down to eat it, he find’s Karé’s sitting across from him, dark eyes deadly serious. That look has never preceded good news and Poe swallows hard.

"So. One year," she says without preamble.

Stars, it's today. And saying it like that just makes it feel heavier. "Yeah."

"What are you gonna do?"

He frowns. Honestly, he figures he’ll do the same as everyone else: mourn those they lost privately and keep going, even if he’s mired in some bureaucratic bullshit.

“I mean, what are you gonna do with all that?” She waves her hands at him in a kind of frustrated way.

Poe’s eyebrows creep up; now he really doesn’t understand. “All what?”

Karé rolls her eyes and snorts. “What are you gonna do with all that guilt, dumbass? And with Finn? You’ve been doing this will-they-won’t-they thing for ages. You gonna make a move or what?”

The frown is back and Poe finds himself absolutely flummoxed. His mouth works for a second but he can’t get any words out so he shoves a spoon in it.

“That’s not even remotely what I wanna talk about right now,” he says around his breakfast. “I think something a little more important than my love life is on the calendar here. Besides, there’s nothing to say.”

Karé leans back, taking a bite of bread. “Poe, how long have you and I been friends?”

“Not long enough apparently,” he mutters. “You’d think I’d be able to follow your brain by now.”

She sighs and chews her bread thoughtfully. “We’ve been friends long enough that I hate to see you like this—”

“Like what? I’m fine—”

Karé points an accusing finger at him, voice sharp. “Hey, you can lie to all the rest of these uglies but you can’t lie to me, Dameron. I’ve got a nose for your bullshit at this point. You’ve been letting guilt eat you alive and you’re pushing everyone away. It’s been you, you, you. Poe Dameron, reckless son of a bitch. Poe Dameron alone.”

She pauses long enough to make him meet her eyes. It’s harder than it should be but her voice is softer this time.

“We all fought the same war, you think you’re the only one who feel guilty?” Poe ducks his head at that, shame roiling in his gut. “You’re a great leader, great at teamwork ’til you aren’t. You’ve learned so much, you can make great speeches about it, but you’re still trying to do this on your own. Why should you have to when no one else does? Finn left, and you just about lost it. But you shouldn’t have.”

Poe grits his teeth and stares into his food. “Karé, I can’t…”

“I told him to apologize, but I shouldn’t have had to. I know you were hurt that he left, and that’s no small part of what’s eating you now, but you gotta ask yourself if you would’ve done it any differently. If you say you would've stayed, then you’re not the Poe Dameron I know.”

Man, that oatmeal looks so good. Staring at it is better than looking up, that’s for sure. The weight of all the stars in the galaxy feels like it’s hanging on his shoulders, and it’s getting heavier with every word Karé drops on him. She’s right, and that’s another part of the guilt he hadn’t wanted to admit. It makes him feel slimy to admit how wrong it all sounds. He absolutely would’ve done the same thing, and he’s as mad at himself as he was at Finn. It hurt, that Finn didn't want what he wanted, that he left, but doesn’t that make him such a hypocrite. So where does that leave them now? Karé reaches a hand across the table and surprisingly enough lays it gently on his arm.

Poe sighs.

“Even if he did—you know, there’s just…not enough time.” Poe finally abandons his oatmeal and sits forward. He scrubs a hand through his hair restlessly, not sure exactly what to say or how to say it. “There was never enough time.”

And some part of that feels like it’s true. After Exegol, he wanted nothing more than to have exactly what Karé’s playing at. But things needed his attention, and even though Finn was always there with him, he couldn’t find the words.

“There’s always enough time,” Karé retorts, sounding a little watery. “If...if Snap and I could make it work, if you can officiate a wedding in the middle of a war, you can certainly make some time now that the war’s over.”

“Yeah, but this whole relationship thing goes both ways. Finn hasn’t said a word about it either.” The last part comes out a little more bitter than he wants but he soldiers on. “I said I wanted to go with him, you’d think that’d be a pretty clear sign. I can’t ask him for something he doesn’t want to give.”

“Clear sign, my ass. You talked around it like you always do and because there’s not one braincell between you, it went right over his head.” Karé’s grip on his arm tightens. “Stars, I wish you could watch you two. He’s not any better with words than you are but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He left because he had to do the right thing. You should respect that better than anyone. And probably he was scared, too. But he came back the moment he realized you were doing _this—_ ” She flaps her hand again. “—and that should tell you more than enough.”

Poe blinks quickly, trying to wrap his brain around an idea he’d given up on. Her words ring around his head and strike some sort of fuck-me chord. Karé gets to her feet and circles around the table, clapping a hand on his shoulder.

“I loved Snap,” she says gently, “I still do. I hate that he’s not here with me. So, the anniversary’s not gonna be a good day for me _ever_. But fuck’s sake, Poe, you’ve got friends. We love you as much as Finn does, we're here for you and so is he. Get your head outta your ass. Get this shit sorted.”

Karé squeezes his shoulder and leaves just as he spots Finn in the door to the mess hall, a bag on his back and Poe's jacket on his shoulders. A soft smile cracks Finn’s face and Poe swears he hears Karé laugh.

_Oh boy._

\--7--

In no time at all, they’re standing on the tarmac again, this time with Rose and BB-8, waiting while the ship fuels up.

“You remember what to do? You got my holo code, you call if you need me?”

Rose rolls her eyes. “Yes, Poe, for the millionth time, I got it.”

Then there’s no excuses left. Just him and Poe on a ship.

Alone.

Fuck. There’s no galaxy big enough to hold the nerves he’s feeling.

“Get going,” Rose smiles and BB-8 chirps in agreement. “The Resistance will still be here when you get back. Try to think of this as a vacation.”

“Sure Rose, a vacation where the fate of the galaxy is being discussed in committee,” Poe says brightly. Definitely too bright. “That sounds like a great way to unwind.”

Rose rolls her eyes again and Finn can’t help but chuckle beside him. BB-8 whistles again, nudging at Poe's knees.

“It’s Chandrila, Poe. It’s _beautiful_. Try to enjoy it at least a little.” Poe glances at him and Finn’s still grinning, just a bit. “Now get out of here, you’re going to be late!”

“Bye, Rose.”

BB-8 nudges Poe again, asks a question Poe can only roll his eyes at as he pats his droid's head. "Yeah, alright, bye guys."

Poe weaves a second longer while Finn hoists his bag onto his back. Then Poe pulls a face at himself, shoulders his own bag, and makes his way up the ramp. He shouldn’t be nervous, right? It’s not the mission he’s nervous about, that much is certain. Hundreds of people that don't understand what they went through or, for that matter, care? Yeah, what else is new? But being on the ship with Poe is looking pretty daunting. Finn takes a breath in through his nose. All right, stay calm, stay calm. Just use words, be supportive, like Rey said. He can do this.

Poe settles at the controls, Finn soon beside him. He wants to ask, just start right into it, ask if Poe’s all right and what he can do and all that. But he doesn’t. Poe’s practically vibrating with energy, anticipating _something_ , and that tells him he should wait. Patience. He’s good at that.Finn feels Poe’s unease and drops a hand on the back of his chair. But he doesn’t say a word.

They sit like that for nearly half an hour, Poe losing himself at the controls, happy to be flying at least, and Finn silent beside him. After a while, Poe seems to breathe a bit easier. Something is bubbling in him, something new, and it actually puts Finn at ease. Maybe there won’t be as much pressure as he thought. Maybe it'll be _easier_ than he thought.

Still. He chances a glance at Poe and waits. Patience. He fiddles with the crystal hanging around his neck, stares off into space, and tries not to think. His other hand is still on Poe's chair and he distantly registers the heat of Poe’s skin under his fingertips. He’s not sure where the limit is. But really, why should it be so hard anyway? He thinks about Poe’s smile that lights up his day. The frisson of energy he still gets when Poe’s hands linger longer than they should. It would be so easy to try, wouldn't it? Use the right words this time.

Poe sighs and relaxes, setting the last coordinate and letting the ship slip into hyperspace. Finn straightens up a little and figures maybe it's time to talk.

He just doesn't know how to start.

"So uh, what's with the crystal?"

Poe winces at his own words but Finn smiles, just happy Poe decided to talk first.

"It's gotta do with the scars," he says, pointing to the raised, pinkish purple lines on the right side of his face. "You sure you want to hear it?"

Poe snorts and turns to face him. "Well now I _have_ to hear it."

Oh, that’s perfect, actually. These are words he’s good with. Maybe if he plays his cards right, he can use this to his advantage. Poe’s going to be pissed about the story, he’s sure. But he casts a calculating eye at Poe and finally takes his hand off the chair. He pulls the crystal from his neck. It's about five centimeters long, a finger-width wide and whether it's to use it for show or just to give his hands something to do, he’s not sure.

"It's a vertag crystal," he says, spinning it in his fingers. "On one of our early missions, Jannah and I went to Shownar. It was a paradise planet for a long time, for good reason. It was absolutely beautiful, like nothing I've ever seen." He sounds a little wistful and has to tamp down a little flare of guilt. "These crystals would grow kilometers into the sky, reflect the lights from the Torch Nebula. If you sat out under them at night, they would sing."

He glances at Poe then back at the crystal. "Shownar fell under Imperial rule for a long time though. They thought they could use the crystals to power another Death Star, like they did with kyber. When they left, crime lords took their place, then the First Order, following in Imperial footsteps. It was one place they harvested crystals for Starkiller base."

Finn pauses, takes a deep breath. "We'd heard of an ex-trooper installation there. Took some of our recruits. About twenty four or twenty five. Only, the intel we got was bad. There were troopers still there but they weren't looking to change. It was--" His voice cracks and he has to clear his throat. "It was a mess. I lost a dozen, all good people who just wanted to help people like them. I made it out with half, all of them badly injured. Apparently, vertag can be used as a frag grenade in a pinch. This--" He motions with the crystal to his right arm. "--is kind of a souvenir. Aihyah, our medic, dug it out for me."

Poe’s reaching for Finn's arm and before he can pull his hand back, Finn is already obliging his unspoken request. He shrugs out of his jacket and rolls back the sleeve of his shirt. “It was the biggest piece. The rest were smaller, more off-center, definitely easier to get out."

Finn's forearm is finally bare and Poe sucks in a sharp breath at the scar there. Finn turns his wrist up and Poe trails his fingers down a long, jagged purple line twisting in his skin, narrow at his elbow and wider at the wrist, peppered with smaller pockmarks. It plays out in front of his eyes again: a flash, an explosion, his arm coming up to shield his face. Poe glances between his forearm and scars at his temple, his forehead. Like he realizes how dangerously close the crystal came to Finn's eyes. Poe grips the tender skin tighter than he should but Finn doesn't hiss or pull away.

"Why in the galaxy would you keep something like that?" He’s not angry, to Finn’s endless surprise. And he doesn’t sound scared, either. Just infinitely sad. He stares. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Finn sighs and meets his gaze, feeling a little unsteady. But this next part is important. It’s the best way he can think to get at the heaviness he felt in Poe.

"I thought about that for a long time. For months, it ate at me. Felt heavy as all hell. I kept it to remind me of my failure, at first, of the guilt. I didn't want to tell you because I was ashamed."

Gently, he tenders his arm from Poe's grasp and pulls his sleeve back down but internally he itches at the loss. He slides the crystal over his head, fiddling with it one last time.

"I realized the other troopers, the survivors, they all had shards they kept. The vertag fragments that killed half our people were stuck in all of us. We all still carried the same pieces. Ironic, I think, because after that their resolve to find more troopers, _my_ resolve to find more came together."

Finn's rarely said so much, so deep all at once that now he finds himself meandering. He smiles, a little sad, a little proud.

"I wear it for them. A reminder. Not as a failure but for the idea they kept alive—the same idea as the Resistance. They believed in something so much they were willing to die for it. I figure if I can keep even half that spirit alive, I can do anything. Kind of like you. You’re keepin’ that spirit alive. And you were still saving my ass from halfway across the galaxy.” He laughs a little helplessly, sliding his arms back into his jacket. "This thing has saved my life more than once. You've saved me countless times.”

Poe doesn’t seem to like that and Finn can’t figure out why. It’s the truth but Poe only ducks his head, as if to avoid it. “Finn--I'm no hero, I did what I thought was right and that only worked out about half the time. Maybe if I’d been right more then we wouldn’t have lost so many good people. Maybe—"

"You save people every day, I know you do," Finn insists, sitting forward far enough that their knees touch, angling his head to meet Poe's eyes. "But I know something else about you."

"What?" Poe’s voice unbearably tight. Oh, here’s where it gets hard. Finn swallows. But he can do this. He can.

"You've still got a shard of your own." He taps at Poe’s chest, underneath his mother's ring. "Right there. Guilt. I feel it, and it feels like mine. You've gotta get it out, change it, or it's going to kill you. Trust me, I know.”

Surprise, realization colors Poe’s face, like hadn’t quite considered Finn would know that. He feels this ache, knows it as intimately as Poe does and he’s hurt at that but pushes on.

"When I came back, I could feel it," Finn murmurs, letting his hand drop from Poe's chest to his own lap, "and it scared the hell outta me. I didn't know what it was but I definitely know now. Look, I won't press you about it. I just...want you to know that I'm here, if you wanna talk.”

Silence stretches between them, long and arduous. Part of Finn is itching to do something, change something, but he holds it in.

Patience.

"You're right.” Poe swallows hard, looking caught in a sudden maelstrom of emotion. “It’s there.”

“Let me help,” Finn pleads. He curls his fingers around one of Poe’s hand. “Talk to me.”

Oh, what a thing to ask when he's barely been able to do that himself. But—

“You’re right, and I’m sorry.” Poe chokes a little and Finn’s eyebrows knit together. “All I can see, all I _feel,_ are failures. Maybe if I’d been faster, Rey wouldn’t have fought Ren and Leia’d still be here.” Finn tightens his grip, desperate to give Poe something, but all he can do is listen. Maybe it’s enough. “If I’d been better, if I’d known better, Exegol would’ve turned out different, Snap…and everyone else wouldn’t have died. Since the start of this, I keep makin’ decisions and other people pay for it. For a _year_ , I’ve been trying to do what Leia did and I got nothing to show for it. But…”

He trails off, seems to master himself, and he sucks in a breath. “But we fought the same war. How could I think you wouldn’t know what this feels like and keep on going? It hurt so, so much that you left—”

Finn closes his eyes, overwhelmed. “I know, I know it did. But the Resistance needed you, I couldn’t take you from that. You did the best you could do with what you had, nothing’ll change that. But I didn’t know that it was hurting you like this. I promise I’ll make it up to you, I didn’t mean—”

Another apology is on the tip of his tongue when Poe cuts in, “No, no. Stop. You don’t have to make it up to me. There’s nothing to make up. You did so much good, how could I possibly ask you to apologize for that? I wasn’t fair, that wasn’t fair. I would’ve done the same thing, so how can I be mad at you for it? You shouldn’t have to apologize.”

Finn blinks once. Twice. That wasn’t what he expected to hear at all. He thought for sure this was on him.

“This isn’t on you,” Poe says, echoing his thoughts with frightening clarity. “It’s on me. I’m sorry I made you feel like it was you. I pushed everyone away. Poe Dameron, reckless son of a bitch.” He sounds like he’s quoting but Finn’s not sure who. “Poe Dameron, alone. Everyone wants to help but I’ve just made myself into this big island, the talks and the anniversary and everything just hangin’ over my head by a thread and I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You’re not alone.” Finn’s grip tightens and he leans a little closer. “Poe, you helped put these talks together. The galaxy is being rebuilt because _you_ fight for it. You’ve helped countless planets, everyone I know would drop everything to help you. You just have to ask.”

There’s a moment of silence but whatever he’s expecting Poe to say next, he’s not prepared for Poe to rest a hand on his knee and look down in something like relief.

“I know.” At last, a faint smile pulls at Poe’s lips and Finn’s heart leaps. “I guess I just got lost. It’s hard to ask, but I know I’m not alone. It…feels good, to say it out loud. I can’t believe I forgot that, it was like the whole message of our fight at Exegol." He laughs, and it sounds a bit wet, his eyes are shining, but there's no tears. Just a promise. "I’ll ask, Finn.”

Finn smiles tentatively back. Is this it? Have they finally come to the crux of it?

“Poe, some of this is on both of us,” Finn says as softly as he can. Here goes nothing. “I’m…not good at words. I’m even worse at words and feelings. But I...want to take care of you. I need you—I need you to know that.”

What he wants to say is _ask me, ask for whatever you need and I’ll give it to you_ but it doesn’t come out that way. And maybe that's good. He bites his lip, willing the words to arrange in his mouth the way he wants them to. But Poe frowns and squeezes his knee.

“Finn, I don’t want you to take care of me if you don’t let me do the same. This has to go both ways.”

Oh, stars, that wasn’t what he was expecting at all but it was all he was hoping for. He's sure he knows what Poe means this time but he frantically wants to hear it. Wants to say it himself, which is the most surprising. Finn’s heart races. Poe brings his gaze from the floor and Finn feels the breath slip out of him. Poe’s eyes are wide and sincere and Finn just falls right back into them.

Poe starts. “Look, I—”

Whatever he’s about to say is lost, the transport drops out of hyperspeed and throws them forward to the control dash with a jolt. He groans, trying to right himself in the sudden gravity. Damn it all, he wasn’t paying attention! The real world is rapidly approaching, the proximity alarm blaring. Chandrila is coming up so fast Poe has to scramble for the controls to ease off the speed and get the transport back under control.

Finn reacts just as fast, getting on the comm to find their landing and they manage to make it to port without crashing. Poe sets the transport down on the landing pad, and Finn feels like he’s got whiplash in more sense than one. Poe’s words skitter in his mind but there’s no time to finish now. A service droid is ringing the comm, the world suddenly back in motion. So he gets up, scrubs a hand down his face as Poe follows suit.

“Can we continue this conversation later?” he tries.

He’s mentally exhausted but he desperately wants to hear what Poe was going to say. He wants to reach out, feel that familiar grounding touch before hurtling headlong into something that may be equally as terrifying. As luck would have it, Poe reaches out first, squeezing his hand in a reassuring kind of way, like an invitation. He smiles, and though it’s a bit wan, Finn feels that much better for it.

“Yeah, we will. You gonna be ok?" Poe asks this time.

Finn swallows and words aren’t really going to be working for him for a while so he just nods. But this feels ok.

As long as they can finish it.

\--8--

When the door hisses open, everything is suddenly in a whirlwind. Hanna City sprawls beyond the landing platform, the smell of the sea salting the air. Really, if they had time Poe would stop and appreciate it. But they’re late. Probably on account of not going to hyperspace immediately after takeoff though he can't say he regrets it. They barely have time to drop their bags with a service droid before another whisks them off to the first round of talks. Poe’s not expected to say much, and neither is Finn. Not until later, anyway. More than anything, they’re there for show. A couple of prize fathier parading about. So, they sit together, almost knee to knee in a big, round room where dozens of alien species make their first bid as home of the Republic.

This is ridiculous. It’s political drivel, bickering back and forth just as he expected, and he can’t stand it. The only thing he can think about is how badly he wants for something _useful_ to be settled. And the conversation from the ship.

Damn, now _he’s_ ridiculous. He should be paying attention. This is his job, after all, and it _is_ important. So he tries.

Through the first round of droning bullshit, Finn is at his side, solid and stoic. It’s more comforting than he remembers and he finds himself settling into it with a terrifying sort of ease. That’s probably the most innocuous and most extraordinary thing about Finn, he muses. How easy it is to lean on him for support, to depend on him to lighten the load. It’s not even really that much just now, just a sly joke out of the corner of his mouth, or a reassuring touch here and there, and at some point their knees fall comfortably against each other.

It makes him ache. In a good way. Stars, he’s missed this. And should've done something with it so much sooner. He just hopes Finn realizes he can do the same. Poe glances at him and finds him fiddling with the crystal again.

Yeah, definitely have to finish that talk.

The meeting breaks for lunch and they’re absolutely inundated with visitors. He sits next to Finn at a small table but they can barely get food in their mouths. Dignitaries that survived the Hosnian Cataclysm trickle by, thanking him for his service though some of them opposed the Resistance in the beginning. A few captains from the Free World Fleet stop by too, and their thanks is tangibly more heartfelt.

"Think we should meet and greet some Outer Rim?" Finn asks quietly, leaning in closer than he needs.

Poe takes a second to revel in the proximity. They still need to talk but he thinks he can see the closeness for what it is now.

"Yeah," he sighs. "Let's go play nice."

They make it through two warlords dressed in their most imposing best, and manage not to start a fight before they're intercepted by the Chandrilan host, Councilor Bysten. She approaches them at a modest floating pace, limbs long and regal and face severe.

"General Dameron, General Finn," she says, bowing her head. "Thank you for joining us."

"Thank you for havin' us."

Her lip seems to curl a bit at his inflection and he tries not to take offense. Chandrilans are, after all, known for their haughty nature.

"I trust everything has been to your liking?"

"We've only enjoyed the conference hall so far, I'm sure the rest of your city is as fine."

There, that sounds marginally better. Bysten bows her head again, looking between him and Finn.

"Our final meeting for the day will start shortly. We would be honored if you would close the proceedings for us."

Ah. There it is. Time for work.

"Of course," he says.

She gestures with a long arm to the dining hall exit.

"Back into the fray, huh?" Finn murmurs from his elbow.

Poe glances back and he has to smile. Finn’s shoulders are squared, his expression open and honest. Poe has to wonder how in galactic hell they could be so stupid. This is what they are, side by side to the end.

“Yeah, buddy.” He takes a deep breath, faces the door and steels his nerves. “Let’s go.”

Together, they trail in to the meeting hall, back to their seats. As they sit, knees jostling together comfortably, Councilor Bysten reopens the floor for discussion. This round is a more stoic affair. New planets and new species, eager to have their say, step to the floor and present their planet for consideration to the best of their ability. Poe’s surprised this is was leads the talks. To him, it would make more sense to choose seat planets after changes have been made. But, he supposes, maybe it forces some planets to show their hand. All who present are eligible to hold the galactic seat during election, unless that’s changed. But, if they don’t like the new system, the only way to get out of it is to disgrace themselves. Man, politics are _not_ his thing. Bad motivator, but it’s about the only interesting thing happening on the floor.

The downside to all this chatter is that now he has time to actually think about his speech. Stars, in all his emotional upheaval, he hasn’t thought at all about what he’s going to say to these bureaucrats. Ah, surely he can wing it. There’s a message he wants to send and he’s pretty sure he can string something passable together. It takes some time, but eventually the proceedings draw to a close and Councilor Bysten rises once more.

“Honored guests,” she intones, “we are pleased to have with us the leaders of the Resistance. Generals Finn and Poe Dameron. I would like to give them the floor, to close the evening.”

Poe’s heart ratchets, his nerves keyed all the way to eleven. He stands, and Finn stands with him. That small motion is more comforting than he thought it would be. He looks out into the crowd, hundreds of eyes looking back. All are on him, and he takes a breath.

“It’s not been so long since we were last here,” he says, and from the soft murmurs that sounds like a bad start. But better to keep it honest, it’s easier for him to say even if it’s hard for them to hear. “My father…and my mother fought against the Empire. In that, they proved one thing over and over: what we fight for is not today. We fight to make sure we have a future, that our loved ones can have a future.”

He pauses, looking back at Finn for assurance. It’s almost imperceptible, but Finn nods, a brush of his arm gentle at Poe’s elbow, and that’s all the support he needs.

“The Resistance, and citizens of Free Worlds all over the galaxy fought the First Order at Exegol. Today marks the anniversary of that sacrifice. A tragedy like the Cataclysm, like Exegol should teach us we can’t be consumed by indifference. We fight for freedom, to exist, and we will not go out quietly in the face of any enemy. Despite all odds, we survive, here and out there we hold our ground.”

He pauses again, searching for Finn again even though he can feel him. He swallows, the vast hall silent except for the sound of his breath. He should still be addressing them but somehow the next words feel like they should be for Finn and Finn alone. 

“We’re never alone. I learned the hard way that we have to rely on our friends, in all things. No one ever won a war alone, and no one rebuilds alone.” It’s not exactly what he wants to say but it’s there and Finn glows and he finds he can turn back to the crowd. “That’s what I’m asking you to do here today. Work together, reach a common end. A day may come when our courage fails but it will be when all good people like you have passed from this galaxy. If we stand together, we have courage. And we win.”

He ends with a decisive nod, and to his surprise there’s a decent round of applause. Obviously, these aren’t his troops. Some are impressed, some less than, and probably very few of them actually understand or believe what he’s trying to say. But it feels good to say it.

It feels even better to believe it.

Finn’s hand comes to rest at the small of his back and quietly, just for him, Finn says, “Nice speech, General.”

Poe can’t help the smile sneaking over his face and he teases, “You get the next one, buddy.”

“And try to follow that up?” Finn snorts, but he’s grinning, eyes hooded. “No way.”

Dinner after is a quieter affair. Some still drop by their table, mostly to comment on his speech. Finn's still eating with him, quiet to his left, but his eyes are hot and dark. Oh, the rest of that conversation is looking like it’s coming up quick. Poe swallows a hard bite, shoveling food in as fast as he dares without being rude to their tablemates. One of them is prattling on, Poe can't remember who or why. But suddenly, Finn looks over at them, a sweet, disarming smile in place.

"I'm sorry, would you excuse us?"

He doesn't offer any other explanation, just stands and pushes his chair in. Poe can tell it's left the speaker a little baffled, but he scrambles to do the same, offering some stilted good nights and goodbyes. Finn holds out his hand like it's the most natural thing in the world, and what the hell. Poe sneaks his fingers around Finn's and they're off, going _somewhere_.

He doesn't know where their rooms are and neither does Finn. They haven't heard anything about it since they got there, though a quick word to a service droid would surely reveal the location. But Finn doesn't stop, moving to the quietest place he can find. He trails his fingers up from Poe's hand to his elbow, pulling him out a door onto a private, secluded patio at the edge of the dining hall.

Stars, he couldn't think of a more romantic place for what may be the best conversation of his life. Waves of the Silver Sea crash in the background, perfuming the air with a briny breeze and the scent of blue flowers in the hedges blooms around them. The star is just setting, burning the sky in shades of pink and orange. A tiny part of him still screams that it's not going to be good, that it's all in his head, but with the way Finn looks against the burnished sky he can't believe that.

Finn slowly disentangles their hands, puts himself at a reasonable distance. This time, Poe's paying attention, and he can see Finn's own apprehension as clearly as he sees his own.

"So, time for the rest huh."

It's a silly statement and Finn smiles.

"What you said in there, about not being alone, you weren't just talking to them."

"No, I wasn't," Poe admits. He decides Finn is too far, so he steps just a little closer. "I meant that for you, too. For both of us, I think."

"And that's what you want? A 'both' about us."

It's an awkward way of putting it and it makes Poe chuckle. "Yeah, you could say that. But I'm not exactly sure what you're sayin'."

Finn looks frustrated again, his hands clench at his sides, and in a snap the mood shifts. It sucks all the air off the planet and suddenly Poe's back to square one, where all this mess first started.

He could say it first. One of them is going to have to. He's gotta stop with the deflection. Like Karé said. He needs to make this work. There's so many ways to say _I love you_ , he just has to pick one they both understand. Might as well make it clear. He opens his mouth and takes a breath, ready to dive headlong but Finn beats him to it.

His voice holds a tremor, he looks afraid, but he softly says, "Look, when I left...I was pretty sure I knew what you wanted. When you said you would come with me." He takes a deep breath and takes Poe's hands. He can feel them shake. "I'm not stupid but I knew I had to go, and what you said scared me."

Finn freezes there and Poe’s words leave him, he’s dangling on the precipice of fear and hope. Strange how those two always walk the same line. 

Finally, Finn meets his eyes and takes a step into his space; it sets Poe's lungs on fire. He can barely remember to breathe. Stars, he's just tall enough Poe has to look up the tiniest bit. He’s no waif but Finn feels so _big_ in the space between them. Or maybe that's just the breadth of his focus, centering and circling Finn and making him seem larger than he is. Finn glances at his mouth, like he can't bear the nearness any more than Poe can.

"I said I'm not good at this but I should've tried harder. I should've said something instead of saying the Resistance needed you. They do, but I should've said I needed you, too. Even when I leave, I wanna know I can come back to you." He pauses again, almost unsure. "I hope that's what you want, too."

Poe sucks in a sharp breath, desperately in need of it as the implication steals his air, makes his head spin.

"Poe," Finn murmurs, "there's nowhere I could be that I wouldn't want you there. I want you with me. Always.”

Poe’s heart soars. There’s so much choking him up but it’s never felt so good. He’s giddy with it, positively, deliriously pleased, so of course he has to say something stupid. “Can I say I love you first?”

The smile that lights Finn’s face puts the stars to shame and is definitely worth the remark. “I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.” Gleeful exasperation colors his voice.

After that, there’s nothing to stop them crashing together. Planetary gravity has nothing on them and Poe shakes with it. Finn’s hands come up and frame his face and Poe’s digging his fingers into Finn’s hips and he feels wonderfully complete. Finn’s whole body slots against him and he drags his lips across Poe’s in a slow slide that makes him gasp with the heat of it. Poe’s already breathless, when he tries to breathe, Finn swallows his gasp and teases his tongue into Poe’s mouth.

He groans, deep in his throat, and Finn moves a hand to the back of his head, steers him back against the wall. His shoulders make contact with the brick and that’s just unbearably hot and ridiculously unfair. The motion jolts them, he can pull his head back far enough to see Finn watching him with heated eyes.

“Should we—” he asks.

“Yeah, I think we should.”

And, at last, they seem to be on the same page. Finn grabs his hand, pulls him back through the hall to the nearest service droid. They can’t get to the room fast enough, and when finally, finally Finn manages to get the door open, they stumble in to a whole palace of a room that he can’t even bother looking at, because Finn’s got him pressed against the door, firm but yielding and one more question in his eyes.

—9—

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” Finn asks.

He can’t help but ask. Damn it, he’s finally learned to talk so he might as well. And something in him still cries for patience. Let the blood cool, heads get on straight, so he can ask again and brook no arguments about the answer he gets. Poe’s pressed against the door, cheeks tinged pink, hair slightly askew. He looks like he’s as ready as Finn is. But it feels right to ask.

Poe looks at him from under his long, long lashes with some kind of tender expression. “I am,” he murmurs, and Finn feels his chest loosen. “Are you?”

Finn closes his eyes, overwhelmed, but so much different than before. “Yeah…”

He pushes forward, slides his mouth against Poe’s again, because honestly that felt _too_ good. He feels Poe’s hands come to rest at his waist again and he pushes gently, just enough to get his step started.

With unerring ease, Poe guides him back until his knees hit a bed and he has to collapse, bounce down onto it. Before he can think twice, he’s kicking off his shoes and Poe does the same. His hands creep up and untuck Poe’s plain shirt, fiddling at the buttons until he can see the bare flesh of Poe’s stomach. He kisses the skin there, just above Poe’s belt and the gasp that sneaks from Poe’s mouth sets his own skin on fire.

Suddenly, he can’t unbutton Poe’s clothes fast enough, which makes Poe laugh at him. But his fingers come to help, unbuttoning his shirt from the top to meet in the middle. Now there’s more skin than Finn knows what to do with and all he can do for a moment is stare at the dusting of hair and solidness of Poe’s chest, the glint of his ever-present ring hanging there.

His mouth is very, _very_ dry and words are hard again. Oh fuck.

“You alright there, pal?” Poe teases, rough and low.

Finn glances up at him and finds a soft smile, which gives him some reassurance he didn’t know he needed. He presses another kiss to Poe’s stomach as an answer, all the while managing to open the front of Poe’s trousers. Poe hisses above him as he mouths a little lower, right at the waistband of Poe’s underwear. His general’s hand comes to rest on his shoulder, pushing and pleading all at once.

It’s a silent request, but he can oblige. It’s so easy to do this when he can speak with his hands. Doesn’t mean he’s forgotten the usefulness of his mouth. He eases back, pulling Poe down with him so he straddles one thigh and is close enough for another kiss. Lightning, heat forks from Poe’s tongue to his and he wonders vaguely how he could ever have been a stranger to this.

Poe’s hands are working on their own, undoing the buttons of his shirt. If he hadn’t already revealed a scar, he’d be afraid of what he’d see in Poe’s eyes. But as the fabric parts, his crystal bouncing again his chest, and Poe helps pull him out of his sleeves, all he can see is curiosity. Maybe a little latent fear. Poe’s fingers trace the scar on his arm again, touch gently the lines on his face and the pocked, tight scars of vertag fragments and blaster fire on his chest.

“I wanna know,” Poe says, following his fingers with his mouth, “where each of these came from.”

Finn’s eyes slip closed, he can’t help the groan that grinds out when Poe’s lips infuse electricity into his skin. and he gasps, “I’ll tell you.”

“Promise?”

Finn peers up at Poe and sees that there might be more to that promise than is said. But Finn’s happy to give Poe nearly anything that promise might need, so he smiles soft. “Promise.”

Poe melts into him and more quickly than he can imagine, clothes disappear, they’re skin to skin, and Finn can’t do anything more than fall.

At the end, they collapse together. It’s better than Finn ever imagined. But arguably the best part is the feeling of curling in bed, under sheaths of soft, warm fabric, Poe sprawled comfortably over him. For the first time in a long time, Finn's heart feels full, like all the pieces are gathered together again.

In the morning, when he wakes, Poe is still with him. Their bed is situated at the eastern windows, ready to catch the light, and the sea is blowing in a cool morning breeze. It ruffles Poe’s curls, curving around his jaw, his shoulders. Another day waits, just beyond the door. But he figures they have a little time still yet. Finn follows the breeze, passing a hand through Poe’s hair as gently as he can. Despite it, Poe stirs, and Finn has to smile when Poe looks at him with sleepy eyes.

“Mornin’, General,” Poe sighs, throwing an arm over Finn’s waist like it’s the only place it should be.

“Morning.” Finn presses a kiss to Poe’s forehead, just to hear him chuckle. “Ready to go back into the fray?”

Poe groans, buries his face in Finn’s shoulder but, muffled there, he says, “As long as I’m with you, always.”

Finn laughs, really laughs this time, feeling light as the sea breeze. “Sap,” he teases.

Poe manages to right himself enough to plant a kiss on Finn’s neck that makes him shiver, but he doesn’t deny it. “You’re one to talk,” he says instead.

“Yeah,” he smiles, a little self-conscious but true all the same, “finally.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope that satisfied, i know i liked it lol
> 
> self-edited so lmk if there's anything glaring
> 
> let me know what you think?

**Author's Note:**

> love it? hate it? i'd love to know what you think. comments are fun


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